My child refuses to go to the other parent: what to do

My child refuses to go to the other parent: a more common problem than you think

When your child says "I don't want to go to Dad" or "I don't want to go to Mom," your stomach drops. It is one of the most distressing situations in co-parenting, and yet it is extraordinarily common. According to data from the Asociación Española de Pediatría, up to 30% of children whose parents are separated show resistance to transitions at some point during childhood.

Refusal can take many forms: inconsolable crying in young children, elaborate excuses at school age, or outright refusal in adolescence. Whatever form it takes, the message received by both parents is the same: something is not working as it should.

Before you panic, you need to understand that your child's refusal rarely means what it appears to on the surface. Children do not usually reject a parent because they don't love them. The reasons are almost always more complex, and understanding them is the first step toward resolving them.

A child's rejection of one parent is a symptom, not a diagnosis. Before reacting, you need to understand what lies behind it.

Why it happens

Difficulty adapting to transitions

This is, by far, the most common cause — and also the most benign. Changing homes means changing routines, rooms, and rules. For a child, that requires a constant effort to adapt that can simply become exhausting. It is not that they don't want to be with the other parent; it is that they don't want to go through the transition itself.

Think about it from their perspective: they are playing quietly in their room, they have plans with a friend for tomorrow, they know where everything is. And suddenly they have to pack clothes into a bag and move to another world. It is perfectly understandable that on a Friday afternoon they would rather stay where they are.

Loyalty conflicts

Children love both parents and have an extraordinarily sensitive radar for detecting adult emotions. If they sense that one parent becomes sad when they leave, or overly happy when they return, they may interpret going to the other parent as a form of betrayal.

This loyalty conflict is particularly harmful because the child does not put it into words. They simply say "I don't want to go" without being able to explain that what they actually feel is that going to one parent means abandoning the other.

A real negative experience

In some cases, the refusal has a concrete basis. Perhaps at the other parent's home there are much stricter rules, a new partner the child has not accepted, a half-sibling they clash with, or even more serious situations that require immediate attention.

It is essential to listen to your child carefully and without filtering what they say through your own feelings toward your ex. If your child describes situations of neglect, mistreatment, or any form of abuse, you must act quickly and seek professional advice.

Influence from one of the parents

Sometimes, consciously or unconsciously, one parent passes on negative messages about the other. Comments such as "Of course, your father is always late" or "Your mother never remembers anything" gradually take root in the child and can fuel a rejection that does not come from their own experience, but from the adult's narrative. This phenomenon, in its more extreme forms, is known as parental alienation and has serious consequences for the child's emotional development.

How to handle it by age

Young children (2–6 years): routine and ritual

Young children are governed by predictability. Resistance to transitions is usually linked to fear of the unknown or to separation from the parent they are currently with. To help them:

• Create a transition ritual: this could be a special story, a song, or a long hug with a specific phrase such as "See you on Monday — I'll tell you what the cat got up to."
• Avoid abrupt transitions: if possible, allow a period of calm before the handover. A child in the middle of a game does not want to stop and go anywhere.
• Bring a comfort object: a soft toy, a blanket, or a photo that always travels with the child between both homes.
• Stay calm: your attitude is their emotional thermostat. If you become unsettled, the child will confirm that there is reason to be afraid.

School age (7–11 years): listen and validate

At this age, children can already put their reasons into words, though they do not always do so directly. This is the time to practice active listening:

• Ask with curiosity, not alarm: "Tell me more about that" works better than "What did your dad do to you?"
• Validate their emotions without necessarily validating their decision: "I understand that changing homes is hard — that's normal. But Dad loves you and is really looking forward to seeing you."
• Involve them in solutions: "What would make the change easier for you?" Sometimes the answer is as simple as being allowed to bring a tablet or arranging to see a friend from the other parent's neighborhood.
• Explain the rules without assigning blame: a child of this age can understand that the custody schedule is an agreement that both parents must respect.

Teenagers (12+ years): negotiate within limits

Teenagers are a special case. They have their own social lives, need autonomy, and consider it legitimate to have a say in their own schedule. Physically forcing them is no longer an option — and frankly, it never should have been at any age.

• Acknowledge their maturity: "I know you have your own plans and that's normal. Let's figure out how to make this work."
• Negotiate flexibility, not the substance of the agreement: perhaps they can go Saturday morning instead of Friday evening, but they cannot simply opt out of time with the other parent.
• Do not side with them against the other parent: it is tempting, but devastating. If your teenage child says they do not want to go to your ex's, your response must never be "I get it — I wouldn't want to either."
• Keep open conversations about the relationship with both parents: teenagers and divorce is a subject that deserves specific attention.

What you should never do

Regardless of the child's age, there are lines that must not be crossed:

• Do not force them physically: putting a crying child in a car causes trauma that goes far beyond the transition itself. If things reach that point, something has gone very wrong and you need professional help.
• Do not speak badly of the other parent: "Your father is so disorganized" or "Your mother always makes a scene" are phrases that poison your child's relationship with the other parent — and, in the long run, with you too. If you want to explore how to explain divorce to children without causing harm, the language you use matters enormously.
• Do not use your child as a messenger: if there is a logistical issue with handovers, communicate directly with the other parent. The child is not the right channel for this.
• Do not bribe them: "If you go to Mom's this weekend, I'll buy you that game on Monday" teaches your child that their emotions are negotiable and that refusal is a bargaining chip.
• Do not ignore the problem: waiting for it to pass on its own is not a strategy. If the refusal keeps recurring, you need to address it actively.

When to seek professional help

If the strategies above are not working after several weeks, or if the refusal is accompanied by signs that your child is not coping well with the separation — such as recurring nightmares, developmental regressions, aggression, or social withdrawal — it is time to seek help.

A child psychologist who specializes in separations can work with the child to identify the root of the problem, and with both parents to establish joint strategies. Therapy is not a failure; it is an act of responsibility.

At the same time, maintaining smooth, organized communication between both parents is essential for any intervention to work. Tools like Niddo make it possible to coordinate schedules, share information about the child's routines, and keep a record of agreements reached — all of which reduces friction at transitions and gives the child the sense that their parents are working together, even if they live apart.

Family mediation is also worth considering if direct communication between parents is difficult. A mediator can help redesign the visitation arrangement to reflect the child's actual needs, not just what the original agreement says.

A child who feels safe with both parents does not need to choose between them. Your job is to build that sense of security, not to win a competition.

The goal is for your child to feel safe in two homes, one childhood

Your child refusing to go to the other parent does not make you a better parent or the other parent a worse one. It is a signal that something needs to be adjusted — and it almost always has a solution when both adults put the child at the center.

Listen to your child, communicate with your ex respectfully, and do not be afraid to ask for help. Co-parenting is a long road, and bumps along the way are part of the journey.

If you want to start by better organizing transitions and communication with the other parent, download Niddo and take the first step toward a calmer co-parenting experience for everyone — especially for your child.